you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
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Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Jail
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.