Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
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The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans