Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
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Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.