imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
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I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u