What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
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i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.