Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
You Might Also Like
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Bros before Ohioes
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”