There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
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Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Thoughts
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Squirrels before girls.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.