Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
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My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
this is uni
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Wednesday