I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
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The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
This cat wants you to take your pills
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled