*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
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Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.