*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
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I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
True statement👍😏😁
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Me irl
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Breaking news:
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch