DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
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Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.