Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
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i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I know this now 😂
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
This made me chuckle.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Weirdos gonna weird.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”