Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
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The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.