Does this dress make me look cat?
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Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Why is this me 😫
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.