me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
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It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*