HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
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My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf