I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
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sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?