once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
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Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick