Happy Taco Tuesday
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partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.