when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
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men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.