We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
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Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
All set.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.