waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
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The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.