Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
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10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
“OMGJK” -atheists
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
How to find Kentucky on a map
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.