I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
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[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
that’s really how it is
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Who does Amazon think I am?
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
so this horse walks into a bar
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?