SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
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Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Ovenable?
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.