The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
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Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.