Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
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Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners