OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
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I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
When your parents check you’re ok.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*