I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
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Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy