People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
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wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
The Assassin.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
School be like
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…