it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
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Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Jogging
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up