There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
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*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.