“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
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Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.