if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Okay me first
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I feel seen
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.