The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
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*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
my dog when i have a friend over
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.