Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
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How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Finally! 😈
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.