Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
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Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
lol
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I occasionally drink every single night.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp