I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
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Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now