murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
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“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.