Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
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This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?