I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
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“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host