Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
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Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Cats (2019)
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked