you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
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doing some research
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?