I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
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Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
She puts the hot in psychotic
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker