A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
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“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.