This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
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I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Dance like you’re not the father