Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
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Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Bruh PLEASE
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.