11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
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If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Follow me for more recipes
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.