Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
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I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
me and who
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Match dot com, but for socks.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus